Things I haven’t been talking about

I wasn’t going to write this post. Partly because it seems like too much to share and partly because I spent the past two years actively not writing or talking about any of  this. I also didn’t want to look like I was throwing a pity party for myself.

The truth is, the last two years have been hard. A lot of the time they have been miserable. A lot of the time I wasn’t sure if there would be enough money to cover the rent–forget other bills. Then in September my aunt had a massive stroke. And she died. It’s funny because it never sounds like we were close–I don’t talk about her or my other aunt on here (although I know she reads my blog *waves*) but they exist; they are family. And it keeps amazing me, in the worst possible way, how much you can miss a person when you hadn’t even seen them in years. It feels like a gaping hole and it’s terrifying not just because she’s gone but because it’s a horrible reminder that it will hurt this much (maybe more) every single time.

Then I got my new job which I love and finally feels like a step in the right direction–a step like maybe things are changing. But there wasn’t any time to rest on my laurels.

I almost never talk about this–in real life or on here–because I hate the vocabulary available. But my mom is disabled. She was in a catastrophic accident before I was born that broke both legs and one arm and her jaw. When I was younger she walked with a cane but now a lot of the time she opts for a wheelchair because walking and standing is just so hard. I’m her caregiver though I would never choose that term because it sounds ridiculous and implies I might not want to take care of my mother–I know she hurts and she’s tired and it’s hard for both of us a lot but I should say now that I would never trade her.

So you would think all of that would be enough to deal with. Turns out, it’s not. My mom also has a non-cancerous tumor in her brain. (I could talk here about the atrocities she suffered during her big accident in the hospital for three months, or the fact that her tumor was discovered in February of one year and no doctor mentioned it until June of that year. I could mention the time my mom and I both were hit by a van in front of the hospital while we tried to hail a cab. But I’m not going to get into that because I always feel like it sounds like a lie when I tell all the truth because there is so much.)

Anyway, this tumor has been growing and, unfortunately, it’s placed so that it has to be removed because it is starting to impact other areas. My mom is having brain surgery on Friday. You never think brain surgery is a thing that will touch you but sometimes it does I guess. It’s complicated and involved but the doctor also says no one has ever died during the procedure–not that doctors don’t say a lot of things.

I went back and forth on sharing this, and I might delete it later when things normalize, but for now–if I disappear for a while–you know what’s going on. And maybe, if you have some time on Friday you can think good thoughts about my mom getting through the surgery okay. And maybe after that, if you have even more free time, maybe you can think good thoughts about her recovery and her getting back to normal soon.

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