The Rockette Problem

At my previous place of employ, “Tori” and I started talking about the Radio City Christmas Spectacular and how awesome the Rockettes are. This led to some sound relationship advice that we tried to share with a less-than-grateful “Bear.” This post has been a long time coming and, hopefully, some readers (assuming I have any male readers–do I?) will feel our findings were more helpful than Bear did.

To state it simply: Every girl wants to be a Rockette. But not every girl can be a Rockette since the Rockettes are highly trained athletic dancers who are between 5′ 6″ and 5′ 10′ in height (the tallest Rockettes are at the center of any kick line and other height discrepancies are made up for in the height of shoe heels and hats). No matter how unrealistic the dream, it is a hard thing to realize that even if you become a highly trained athletic dancer you cannot be a Rockette because you are too short (I imagine there are some people out there who are too tall, but I do not know any of them). Therein lies The Rockette Problem.

I am aware there are some people who simply do not like the Rockettes and will freely tell you as much. These people are lying to you and themselves. When I first told my “Kiki Couture” about The Rockette Problem her first response was a declaration of Rockette hatred. Further discussion revealed that Kiki’s hatred came not from animosity, but from envy. Because she could not be a Rockette. But one real life example of The Rockette Problem at work.

But what does The Rockette Problem have to do with relationships? I will tell you.

One day, Tori was trying to offer Bear some advice–because she is has a lot of wise advice and because offering advice is what librarians do. She posited that men would fair better with women if they just understood one universal truth. And I looked at her and said three words that you should know well by now: The Rockette Problem.

This was the advice she had for Bear and it is the advice* I now share with you, readers. Use it well:

When a guy meets a woman he might like, the surefire way to win her over is to take her to see the Rockettes. I know what you’re thinking. What if the guy is Jewish, does not celebrate Christmas, or simply does not enjoy a well-choreographed holiday dance routine? My initial response: Suck it up.

My expanded response: Use this advice hypothetically if you are for some reason averse to the Rockettes, but consider this first. If you fall into a demographic that would not generally enjoy a well-choreographed holiday dance routine but take your girl to see it anyway, think how many brownie points you could earn. (Hint: you would probably need to go on a diet.)

Also, almost everyone celebrates Thanksgiving. And the Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade isn’t a parade until the Rockettes perform, so watch them with your special lady friend then. Tell her you like their costumes**. Admire their athleticsism. Tell her you understand The Rockette Problem and she will understand how much you care.

If, for some reason, that doesn’t work. Write a letter. Not a coy letter. Just write a letter and say “Hey, let’s go see the Rockettes.” It will be enough.

Should that still not work, you might be beyond this blog’s help, but in a last ditch effort you can consider telling her you like the way she looks in blue at five minute intervals. If it worked for Edward Cullen it might work for you, although utilizing The Rockette Problem to your advantage is really much more likely to work.

So, remember, you must not hate The Rockettes–just admire. And maybe The Rockette Problem can be your own relationship solution.

*This advice does not apply to women hoping to improve their relationship prospects with other women for the simple reason that women already inherently understand The Rockette Problem and therefore cannot utilize it further.

**Being one to try and get the last word, Bear later told me the costumes were NEVER the first thing a man noticed about the the Rockettes. My initial response to that was, I think, fairly obvious: Suck it up. And don’t tell your special lady friend that!